HAPPY NEW YEAR 2009!

Yay! Time to start miswriting the wrong year again. Time for new and re-beginnings, for renewal and the continuation of the cycle of life, as it is like a stone rolling down the way, circles going in a line.

My new idea for an idea for a story

Pick a catch phrase and develop a story around it, either demonstrating or disproving it, the truth and the myths, the good bad and ugly of it all.

I also found this website http://storymash.com that is all about collaborative writing, and they offer money to the best submissions. This looks like what could be the beginning of the start of the initiation of the fulfillment of the realization of the manifestation of the writing career that has been patiently waiting to blossom into the fulfilled and realized manifest on publishmentdom and the personal notoriety amongst myself that it should be. Beginning the start of the initiation in 5...

'Twas not so bad, not so bad at all

Christmas alone was OK. I opened a few wrapped gifts at night, watched TBN programming, and made a few phone calls. I didn't feel a need to be lonely. The only thing that I lacked was human company and contact, but I'm not in jail or in a hospital or some other institution. It's not that I felt hope, but I didn't feel hopeless or dispair. I cleaned my apartment some, which made me feel good afterwards when the clean smell of bleach lingering about the air. It is time again to reevaluate life and plan for changes in the future.

1) Get back on that elliptical machine or sell it.
2) Erradicate all signs of visible and rubbish from my aparment as it appears.
3) Claim my position as Site Manager and work as it. Soy gerente de esa casa de infirmidades.
4) Finish that Spanish grammar book and find a way to speak it weekly.
5) Strengthen family relations.
6) Fellowship weekly in the Name of Christ in order to keep the Sabbath holy.

I think accomplishing those 6 things over the course of a year would result in a dramatic change in my life. I will also need to find a new apartment, buy a new-to-me car, and save money amidst all of this. It can be done, as we will see...

(to be continued)

Christmas alone

I wonder if it will be different from my birthday alone. I don't see how "going home" would change anything except familiarity. I would be forced to sleep on the twin mattress, which would be like sleeping in a rotisserie with the limited lateral movement that I can enjoy on my full size. It's not that I don't want to be around my family, but there is no joy in it. I don't know what to do about that. After retreating back home, I felt like a boarder, like I was just renting a room. There was the One was always walking around on the phone, talking into a mic in a wire using her all-throughout-the-inside voice. I remember it was said One's birthday and she talked into the aforementioned mic in a wire with same all-throughout voice, which, this time, could only be absorbed by the interior of a coupe. While I've blocked out all details, her story telling reminded of the dialogue in a soap opera, where you can find out the prevailing plot in the first 5 minutes of speech because they recount the past and recent past in order to talk about the present. No just, "They did what? It figures." I'm like, Dude, I wasn't there and I really don't care to know about those you know or whatever news they want to share. Would it be rude to turn on the radio? But it is her birthday. But I am so tired and I don't feel like this shit. But then I'm like, This is her birthday. Stay shutting, self, and eat dinner and celebrate. Well, I looked tired, I don't remember what I ate, I spectated conversation, and we probably sang Happy Birthday in whatever fashion the restaurant offered. I may have perked up after eating some, and it may have ended up being a good night after being able to get outside of the household.

The other used to criticize me for playing a game on my PS2 or on the computer. She would watch me do anything for as long as she could. I even told her once that I felt like she was staring at me (she stopped whatever she was doing to watch me put away groceries). I would pull up in front of the house and see if the other was looking at me from a window. Sometimes I wouldn't mind parking in front of the adjacent property to limit parking visibility. I knew that with the staring follows judgement. The judgement may, at any time, become vocalized and directed towards me. Sometimes it is on the tail-end of a compliment, like a psych-out.

I will be glad when the holidays are over so people can stop asking me about going to NY for the holidays. And do what? Sit in front of the TV? Look for a place to hang out? I don't even have my bedroom there any more. But then I feel bad because I feel like I am being selfish. Why can't we all be happy?

An estranged family.

We are people that love each other very much, but are unable to effectively express it to each other. I feel like I have been negatively reinforced and conditioned to hold back and close off. I do not get a feeling of importance when I open up or share, like someone has to 1-up me, critize me, or tell their story in the middle of mine. It is definitely not everyone, and probably not all of the time, but I prepare for a shutdown by only having surface oonversations or providing comedic one-liners. I save the deep conversations for God and/or my best friend Chris. It is hard to find someone who is not judgmental, someone who will listen, and someone whose words will paraphrase the Word of God. Sounds like a preacher or a prophet to me, sounds like I might have to find a good church!

Reconnaissance with God

I spend the majority of my TV time watching TBN, the Trinity Broadcasting Network. It is helping to stay grounded in truth. I get ideas sometimes, like starting a ministry or some sort of nonprofit organization to help some underpriviledged underdog. And writing could be incorporated into that. Why not start a ministry in disguise, piggyback on an existing organization and do a ministry while volunteering. Just make God present throughout to ensure success. Why not do that at work? Work on exaulting God at work and manifesting His Glory? I hear the Devil saying "Yeah, right! How could I be a preacher of the Word?" I want to be a prophetess, a hearer and repeater of the Word. But first, I need to know what is the Word of God. The more time I spend that I am not reading the Bible, the longer it will take for me to prophesy. Just like the longer it takes me to get back on the elliptical, the longer it will take for me to get into shape. Come on, we've already had this conversation. I know you recall because I do. So cut the crap and get to starting it again, even if only for 1 minute. Remember sitting on the reumbent bike and thinking, I could never get on that thing, but then when you finally got on the elliptical, you couldn't even see far enough to those bikes. During the time of me going to the gym, I was the happiest and healthiest of my life, and at the same time. I was a fairly vegetarian, eating lots of steamed veggies and salads with an attitude, lip curled, all but rolling my eyes and sucking my teeth. I need to live freely, like I am in my own space and no one is watching or listening to me. Thank You God for bringing me here on my own, showing me that I can not only stand, but stand tall and firmly. Bed time.

An Unexpected Visit!

Yesterday, my good friend Chris came down to visit with his daughter Ambi. We just sat around the house, watching movies and sharing laughs. Chris brought some Benadryl as a prophylaxis to any possible allergic reaction to my precious new Persia. At first, Ambilambala (not her real name) was scared of the cat because "they scratch", but then warmed up to the fact that Persia does a whole lot of lying around and sleeping. She even pet her several times and engaged her to play with her toy mouse on a string.

They left this evening, and it's back to me and Persia. While my company was here, Persia pretty much stayed out of the living room (where Chris and Ambi were sleeping) and did a lot of sleeping at the head of the steps leading down and outside. Now that they left, she is keeping me company while in deep slumber.

The 12 Days (Until) Christmas...

... start tomorrow. I'm not a grinch or a scrooge, but it has been a long time since I have really enjoyed the holidays. I appreciate the original and true meaning of Christmas, which is the rememberence and recognition of the birth of our Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ. But the days of family, togetherness, and joy is all but gone for me. In family situations, I usually feel separated from everyone else, an invited guest. I didn't like the crowding feeling when a bunch of people are in my mom's house during the years that I lived there. I can enjoy living on my own, with not even a trifling boyfriend to hold me back. These days I oscillate between lonely and just fine. I pray and watch the Trinity Broadcasting Network, so I'm never that far from just fine.

Persia White -- The Cat!

I don't care that there is an actress of the same name (and, no, I didn't name my cat after her). She's a Turkish Van cat, which means she is all white except black marks in front of her ears, the backs of her hind legs, and her tail. I wanted to find a name that suggests her breed's origins (the Van Lake region of Turkey), or maybe a name of a princess or queen from that area. But she also has to respond to that name. The family that adopted her to me said that the cat appeared in their backyard but they could not keep her due to their current pets.



Originally, I wanted a kitten. Having a full-grown cat makes me pleased that I did not. Persia is very laid-back cat who loves to be adored and caressed, but is used to addressing her need for attention herself. One thing I am learning a lot about is the cat litter! I have not experienced that before, having been around outdoor cats. I don't allow Persia to go outside because:

* Baltimore is dirty. I know cats are clean freaks, but I don't think there can be a five-second rule in Baltimore City. Not even the white part.

* She likes to sleep ON (NOT IN) my bed when I'm not in it. The first night, she tried to sleep at the foot of the bed, but realized that I am too wild and crawled underneath it instead.

* She has no allegiance to me and might run off the second she's outside. What would I do with all this cat food and litter??

Caturday

Today I am looking into adopting a cat (for free!). I need some company in my apartment, or at least something more interactive than a plant. I mean, I love my plants, but I want to feel the love more immediately than watching a plant grow. I am considering hacer un siesta because I'm kinda bored. I'm trying to meet people on Craigslist, but I'm deading that because it doesn't seem that I can even find a decent friend. It has been a little hard for me since moving to Baltimore since I don't family or friends here, and because I am holding out for good people. Looking for a good man is like looking for a needle in a haystack when you don't even know if the needle is there to be found. God is making it so that I *have* to lean on Him. There doesn't seem to be any other way.

I decided that I wanted to start writing again

I'm not sure why I decided this at 11pm. Oh well. Take II tomorrow.