Christmas alone

I wonder if it will be different from my birthday alone. I don't see how "going home" would change anything except familiarity. I would be forced to sleep on the twin mattress, which would be like sleeping in a rotisserie with the limited lateral movement that I can enjoy on my full size. It's not that I don't want to be around my family, but there is no joy in it. I don't know what to do about that. After retreating back home, I felt like a boarder, like I was just renting a room. There was the One was always walking around on the phone, talking into a mic in a wire using her all-throughout-the-inside voice. I remember it was said One's birthday and she talked into the aforementioned mic in a wire with same all-throughout voice, which, this time, could only be absorbed by the interior of a coupe. While I've blocked out all details, her story telling reminded of the dialogue in a soap opera, where you can find out the prevailing plot in the first 5 minutes of speech because they recount the past and recent past in order to talk about the present. No just, "They did what? It figures." I'm like, Dude, I wasn't there and I really don't care to know about those you know or whatever news they want to share. Would it be rude to turn on the radio? But it is her birthday. But I am so tired and I don't feel like this shit. But then I'm like, This is her birthday. Stay shutting, self, and eat dinner and celebrate. Well, I looked tired, I don't remember what I ate, I spectated conversation, and we probably sang Happy Birthday in whatever fashion the restaurant offered. I may have perked up after eating some, and it may have ended up being a good night after being able to get outside of the household.

The other used to criticize me for playing a game on my PS2 or on the computer. She would watch me do anything for as long as she could. I even told her once that I felt like she was staring at me (she stopped whatever she was doing to watch me put away groceries). I would pull up in front of the house and see if the other was looking at me from a window. Sometimes I wouldn't mind parking in front of the adjacent property to limit parking visibility. I knew that with the staring follows judgement. The judgement may, at any time, become vocalized and directed towards me. Sometimes it is on the tail-end of a compliment, like a psych-out.

I will be glad when the holidays are over so people can stop asking me about going to NY for the holidays. And do what? Sit in front of the TV? Look for a place to hang out? I don't even have my bedroom there any more. But then I feel bad because I feel like I am being selfish. Why can't we all be happy?