Where have you been??

So I'm still at the same job, having come a long way and still going forward. Thank You God for sustaining me, for giving me strength, for always being there for me and here with me. I want to know You more, and to love You deeper. In Jesus' Name, AMEN

Herein lies my fate?

I wrote a 1-page answer to the questions "Pass or fail?" and "Have you done enough [to pass probation]?". I decided that I did not do enough, and I fail as a result. I talked about how I have made improvements, how I have shown that I am teachable and can apply what I have learned. But my downfall is that I cannot relax and talk to my supervisor. I don't think my super is wanting to "continue our relationship [as director and manager]", as it was put. The way it was put, my answer was either to be a plea for my job by tooting my own horn, or I could focus on the "fail" aspect. I did both but deduced that a communication problem is not going to improve much more if it hasn't even started improving after an 8-month probatoinary period. I figured that my boss saw this in a similar way by wanting to "mull over" my answer. Of course, I will continue to do my work because I do still have the position. I have ro keep reminding myself that I am not a failure, and that regardless of what my boss wanted me to put, I did not fail myself. One of the staff told me that some of them had expressed to her that I was appreciated and that I was making a difference. But honestly, I am not fighting for my position, and I don't want to waste anyone's time or hold a position that could be done better by someone else (paraphrased from the answer statement". I decided to be honest and forthcoming. I am very sad about this and I am praying that this leads to something that I can live with (and on).

I don't know what lies ahead in terms of my job

I am on an extended probation -- 8 months instead of 6 -- and I have to write an essay? a paper? due on Monday, March 16 on whether or not I have passed the probation, and have I done enough. It doesn't sound like it can be summed up in a few sentences. Plus we are going to meet two days later, when I will get my final probationary evaluation; and it will be revealed if, as my supervisor put it, "we will continue our relationship here". Everyone says that the super likes to fuck with people quite often. I don't take to this too well. I fear that I will lose my position, and that would leave me in a place similar to limbo or at someone else's mercy. I know that God has led me out here, so I have to trust that what has been going on is working towards some other good. I guess we'll see...

I cut all my hair off

I told someone today that "I had a dead animal on my head that was trying to be a ponytail." I had been thinking about going natural, but I was scared. I had "long" and relaxed hair since elementary school. I feel like I stepped out on faith by cutting my hair off because I wasn't even sure what it was going to look like when the guy was finished. I walked in a random barber shop called "Harlem Blues", and there were 5 guys waiting to get their hair cut, plus 1 guy in the chair. I sat in the front of the shop, where all the action was taking place (including the barbering). There were 3 (later, 4) grown-ass men arguing about corruption in the police department. Men and women are so different, but so the same. It reminded me how wresting is nothing but a male soap opera interjected with staged wrestling matches. But I digress.

The guy cut my hair so it looked like it was still kinda pulled back. But then I had to take a shower to get all of the tiny hairs offa me, and I washed my hair, and it was wonderful! I felt like a woman in an African jungle while taking a shower in a tub. My hair 'froed right up after I put some carrot creme and vitamin oil in it (the same stuff I was using before).



I stayed up until midnight because I didn't want to sleep on my hair. What if I smashed it all night? But my hair is pretty resiliant, and I have leave-in conditioner to spray it to bring it back to life to I can comb it out and then pat it back down.

I actually got compliments on my hair! People said that my head is a good shape for a short cut, that it makes me look more sophisticaed, and they liked it better than the ponytail. Well, thank God cuz that mess in a garbage that's gonna be picked up tomorrow morning. Now I gotta get a new pair of glasses to compliment the new 'do. I am glad that I decided to do something outrageous. I got one funny look, but I am not surprised by it. Meanwhile, she rocks straight weave after weave and thick acrylic fingernails. Yeah, I have a million grey hairs, but I am not sure that I want to color it because that is more maintenance. No, I just want to be free. This is me, and I love me the way that I am, the way that I was made. My natural hair texture is wonderful, and so is the color.

And anyone who doesn't like it... kick rocks! ROCKS, I SAID!

Happy Valentine's Day

There is a feeling in me that could be described as, "Yeah, right!" But that is followed by remembering the love of God. And I realize that I too easily brush off God's love, which is harder for me to "feel", due to a want for the love of someone I can see and hear say to me, "I love you" and mean it. And knows what it means to love someone, and to know that it is a voluntary commitment. The same is true with anyone, and even with God. We could, at any time, walk away and abandon our decision to love someone.

It is my prayer that I will become filled with the love that I have instead of looking back to love lost. If I don't have it, then maybe I don't need it.

Why good works isn't enough to get you into heaven

For the sake of being dramatic, let's say I am in Detroit, and I successfully kill 3 people. Let's also say that "they had it coming", but that my reasons won't hold in a court of law. While I'm on the run, I settle in a little town outside of Reno, where I start a crusade to rescue prostitutes and help get them education and resources to support themselves respectably. I would think that I would be revered as a person of good character by those who knew me in this new locale. Unfortunately, my notoriety brings a lot of unwanted attention. I mean, I should be laying low. But I wanted to make up for what I did by making the lives of others better. But the people of Detroit know how to hold a grudge, and they want justice. My do-gooding while not facing up to my crimes in Detroit will largely go unnoticed when pictures of the deceased are shown in the courtroom, during the testimonies of witnesses who recount each gash and slice (I told you, they had it coming!), and when the families of the slain say how wonderful were their loved ones (obviously, they didn't know 'em like I knew 'em). But I did do it, and my insanity plea wasn't holding water, cuz I killed 3 people. But what happened was after I killed the first guy, I had to kill the second and third guy lest they try to kill me. Which they did, after I started trying to kill them. But I digress. So, in the end, I'm found guilty and I go to jail. For a long time. You might even see me on MSNBC's Lockup series where they interview inmates to get a glimpse of what the insides of the country's roughest prisons. Or maybe not, cuz I'm not actually there. I digress again.

My good works while on the run didn't save me from the judgement of the crimes that I committed. If the crimes and the good works were put on a scale against each other, the crimes wouldn't even lift off the ground. It reminds me of when Chris Rock talked of the Day of Judgement, "Hey God, I killed a bunch of kids. But I ate right!", which is a poke at people who don't eat pork for religious reasons. The real point is that committing a sin can't be washed away but merely not committing sin. When we sin against God by breaking His Commandments, there is nothing we can do to make it right in and of ourselves. There aren't enough "I'm sorry's" to make up for lying, stealing, jealousy, lusting for sex, having hate in our hearts, for dishonoring our parents/families, for not putting God first and loving only Him as the Lord our God, for loving money/material things, for not keeping the Sabbath holy. It is what God said and still says.

But even in the beginning, God gave His people a way to seek forgiveness for consciously committing sin by way of a "guilt offering".

Leviticus 6
"1The LORD spoke to Moses, saying, 2"If anyone sins and commits a breach of faith against the LORD by deceiving his neighbor in a matter of deposit or security, or through robbery, or if he has oppressed his neighbor 3or has found something lost and lied about it, swearing falsely—in any of all the things that people do and sin thereby— 4if he has sinned and has realized his guilt and will restore what he took by robbery or what he got by oppression or the deposit that was committed to him or the lost thing that he found 5or anything about which he has sworn falsely, he shall restore it in full and shall add a fifth to it, and give it to him to whom it belongs on the day he realizes his guilt. 6And he shall bring to the priest as his compensation to the LORD a ram without blemish out of the flock, or its equivalent for a guilt offering. 7And the priest shall make atonement for him before the LORD, and he shall be forgiven for any of the things that one may do and thereby become guilty."

Notice that God says when we sin and realize our guilt, we are to restore what we stole/"found" (plus interest) ON THE DAY we realize our guilt. This piggybacks on the ideas that we are to not let the sun go down on anger, and we are to put down an offering to God in order to first reconcile with someone whom we are having a problem. We have to do it kind of immediately. AND THEN he shall bring the guilt offering. AND THEN the priest makes the atonement (reconciliation or an instance of reconciliation between God and humans). The order is important to God, and is invalid if any step is missing or done out of sequence.

Leviticus 7:1-2
1"This is the law of the guilt offering. It is most holy. 2In the place where they kill the burnt offering they shall kill the guilt offering, and its blood shall be thrown against the sides of the altar."

In the Bible, blood symbolizes life. The sacrifice has to be an unblemished animal, and the blood is "thrown against the sides of the altar". The blood of Jesus covers the sins of those who believe in Him. It seems to me that the blood from this unblemished animal, which foreshadows Jesus, being thrown from containers against the walls could symbolize the blood of Jesus on the inside of us, in the place where we condemn ourselves and remember our sins. During the days of the Old Testament writings, and when living under the law, sacrifices were made continually. I sin, I offer a sacrifice. I can't even talk to God directly, so I have to ask and receive forgiveness by way of a high priest. And "it is most holy". With the blood of Jesus, an unblemished Lamb of God, who knew no sin, whose sacrifice for our sins is most pleasing to God, the sacrifice is made once and for all. We have a closer relationship with God because we can come directly to Him, but can only do so because God sees the blood of the Lamb, Jesus Christ, The Most High Priest, applied to the inside of me.

Having Faith That Will Never Die

(inspired from notes from fromhisheart.org Sermon aired 2/1/09)

The Faith of a Canaanite Woman
Matthew 15:21-28
21And Jesus went away from there and withdrew to the district of Tyre and Sidon. 22And behold, a Canaanite woman from that region came out and was crying, "Have mercy on me, O Lord, Son of David; my daughter is severely oppressed by a demon." 23But he did not answer her a word. And his disciples came and begged him, saying, "Send her away, for she is crying out after us." 24He answered, "I was sent only to the lost sheep of the house of Israel." 25But she came and knelt before him, saying, "Lord, help me." 26And he answered, "It is not right to take the children’s bread and throw it to the dogs." 27She said, "Yes, Lord, yet even the dogs eat the crumbs that fall from their masters’ table." 28Then Jesus answered her, "O woman, great is your faith! Be it done for you as you desire." And her daughter was healed instantly.

Know that your faith will be tested.
Jesus walked amongst pagans, the Syro-Phoenicians, the Canaanite woman who cried out to Him.

Matthew 15:22-23
22And behold, a Canaanite woman from [the district of Tyre and Sidon] came out and was crying, "Have mercy on me, O Lord, Son of David; my daughter is severely oppressed by a demon." 23But he did not answer her a word.

Sometimes the Lord gives us the silence treatment.
God wants to see if we are serious. Will we keep asking for it in prayer? How many times do we let His phone ring? He wants to see if we are persistent (remember in the past I decided "either I make it this way or I'll make it that way, but either way, I'm gonna make it!")

The teacher never talks during the test. The world will stop talking to each other when they are mad at each other. GOD IS NOT MAD AT YOU!

Matthew 7:7-8 -- Continual process of seeking.
7Ask, and it will be given to you; seek, and you will find; knock, and it will be opened to you. 8For everyone who asks receives, and the one who seeks finds, and to the one who knocks it will be opened.

God wants us to draw near to Him, which is one reason why He doesn't always answer right away.

Then the Canaanite woman bows in front of the Lord and asks for His help.

Sometimes the Lord gives us the indifference test.
The disciples ask that the woman be sent away.

Matthew 15:24
24He answered, "I was sent only to the lost sheep of the house of Israel."

Who is He answering? The woman or the disciples? Jesus said what the disciples were thinking. Jews thought of gentiles as dogs, even in front of the people they were looking down upon.

The Lord is NOT indifferent to your pain.
James 5:11
11Behold, we consider those blessed who remained steadfast. You have heard of the steadfastness of Job, and you have seen the purpose of the Lord, how the Lord is compassionate and merciful.

The Lord is full of compassion and merciful.
The Lord suffers with my pain.
The Lord is NOT prejudiced.
The Lord has made us ALL.
Acts 10:34-35
34So Peter opened his mouth and said: "Truly I understand that God shows no partiality, 35but in every nation anyone who fears him and does what is right is acceptable to him."

God is no respecter of persons, and did not love his disciples more than the Canaanite woman.

The Caananite woman heard what the Lord said, and that was another test for her. Is she going to quit because of what He said? Earlier, the Lord cast a demon out of a gentile.

Sometimes the Lord gives us the endurance test.
Matthew 15:26-27
26And He answered, "It is not right to take the children’s bread and throw it to the dogs."

Are you still going to come to Him even if we interpret something He says as hurtful?

mangy dog -- how the disciples viewed gentiles as 'dogs'
puppy dog -- how Jesus described gentiles as 'dogs', in order to soften it for the woman (but to still voice the disciples' thoughts)

27She said, "Yes, Lord, yet even the dogs eat the crumbs that fall from their masters’ table."
She said, "Yes Lord, but even the puppies feed on the crumbs that fall from the Master's table."

Matthew 15:28
28Then Jesus answered her, "O woman, great is your faith! Be it done for you as you desire." And her daughter was healed instantly.

The Lord wants you to receive like this woman did.
Hebrews 12:1-2
1Therefore, since we are surrounded by so great a cloud of witnesses, let us also lay aside every weight, and sin which clings so closely, and let us run with endurance the race that is set before us, 2looking to Jesus, the founder and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy that was set before him endured the cross, despising the shame, and is seated at the right hand of the throne of God.

We are to run the course with endurance. Can you endure if you must wait for a long time?

Genesis 32:24-26
24And Jacob was left alone. And a man wrestled with him until the breaking of the day. 25When the man saw that he did not prevail against Jacob, he touched his hip socket, and Jacob’s hip was put out of joint as he wrestled with him. 26Then he said, "Let me go, for the day has broken." But Jacob said, "I will not let you go unless you bless me."

The Lord wants you to hold on like Jacob did.
Jesus said 2 people had "great faith", and they were both gentiles -- the Caananite woman above, and the Roman Centurian in Matthew 8.

The Faith of a Centurion
Matthew 8:5-13
5 When He entered Capernaum, a centurion came forward to Him, appealing to Him, 6"Lord, my servant is lying paralyzed at home, suffering terribly." 7And He said to him, "I will come and heal him." 8But the centurion replied, "Lord, I am not worthy to have you come under my roof, but only say the word, and my servant will be healed. 9For I too am a man under authority, with soldiers under me. And I say to one, 'Go,' and he goes, and to another, 'Come,' and he comes, and to my servant, 'Do this,' and he does it." 10When Jesus heard this, he marveled and said to those who followed him, "Truly, I tell you, with no one in Israel have I found such faith. 11I tell you, many will come from east and west and sit at the table with Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob in the Kingdom of Heaven, 12 while the sons of the kingdom will be thrown into the outer darkness. In that place there will be weeping and gnashing of teeth." 13And to the centurion Jesus said, "Go; let it be done for you as you have believed." And the servant was healed at that very moment.

What do you need from the Lord? What test are you going through? Never give up! Trust Him, and you'll see Him do a great work in you!

Placing a Demand on the Covenant

God will never break His Covenant with me.

Whatever we need in life, we can go to God and redeem our covenant rights. He is expecting us to do this.

The Woman With the Issue of blood
Mark 5:25-34
25And there was a woman who had had a discharge of blood for twelve years, 26and who had suffered much under many physicians, and had spent all that she had, and was no better but rather grew worse. 27She had heard the reports about Jesus and came up behind him in the crowd and touched his garment. 28For she said, "If I touch even his garments, I will be made well." 29 And immediately the flow of blood dried up, and she felt in her body that she was healed of her disease. 30And Jesus, perceiving in himself that power had gone out from him, immediately turned about in the crowd and said, "Who touched my garments?" 31And his disciples said to him, "You see the crowd pressing around you, and yet you say, 'Who touched me?'" 32And he looked around to see who had done it. 33But the woman, knowing what had happened to her, came in fear and trembling and fell down before him and told him the whole truth. 34And he said to her, "Daughter, your faith has made you well; go in peace, and be healed of your disease."

Matthew 9:20-22
20And behold, a woman who had suffered from a discharge of blood for twelve years came up behind him and touched the fringe of his garment, 21for she said to herself, "If I only touch his garment, I will be made well." 22Jesus turned, and seeing her he said, "Take heart, daughter; your faith has made you well." And instantly the woman was made well.

Luke 8:43-48
43And there was a woman who had had a discharge of blood for twelve years, and though she had spent all her living on physicians, she could not be healed by anyone. 44She came up behind him and touched the fringe of his garment, and immediately her discharge of blood ceased. 45And Jesus said, "Who was it that touched me?" When all denied it, Peter said, "Master, the crowds surround you and are pressing in on you!" 46But Jesus said, "Someone touched me, for I perceive that power has gone out from me." 47And when the woman saw that she was not hidden, she came trembling, and falling down before him declared in the presence of all the people why she had touched him, and how she had been immediately healed. 48And he said to her, "Daughter, your faith has made you well; go in peace."

Why didn't she touch his feet or his arm? She put a demand on the convenant.

Newborns understand that there a supply of milk somewhere, but it must place a demand for it.

Matthew 9:21
21for she said to herself, "If I only touch his garment, I will be made well."

What is the significance of the fringe of His garment and the Covenant with God?

Jesus said, somebody placed a demand on me; who was it? The woman took the initiative to place the demand. Why the fringe? Because:
1. She said it within herself, specifically the fringe, will make her whole.
2. Fringe = tassle of twisted wool (from Greek). She was reaching for the tassle of the prayer shawl, worn on Jesus as he walked by.


Numbers 15:37-41
37The LORD said to Moses, 38"Speak to the people of Israel, and tell them to make tassels on the corners of their garments throughout their generations, and to put a cord of blue on the tassel of each corner. 39And it shall be a tassel for you to look at and remember all the commandments of the LORD, to do them, not to follow after your own heart and your own eyes, which you are inclined to whore after. 40So you shall remember and do all my commandments, and be holy to your God. 41 I am the LORD your God, who brought you out of the land of Egypt to be your God: I am the LORD your God."

The fringe or tassle intends to remind people of the God's Commandments. Verse 38: tassle called wings, the corner of the prayer shawl is often called "wings". 5 double knots + 8 strands + 600 (number of the Hebrew word for hem [tzitzit]) = 613 old testament commandments. On Jesus, the hem [tzitzit] represents the fulfillment of the law because He obeyed all of the Commandments and did not sin. He is the Holy One. In a sense, the woman thought, If I take His obedience for my sins, I can exchange my sickness for His healing, my weakness for His strength.


Healing in His wings
Malachi 4:2
2 But to you who fear My name, the Sun of Righteousness shall arise with healing in His wings; and you shall go out and grow fat like stall-fed calves.

Jesus possesses the Convenant. He who knew no sin was made sin so that we would know the righteousness of God. He took upon all the curse so that we would be made blessed. It is our faith in His obedience that is honorable to God. Jesus is the Sabbath, how we receive rest. He took all of the sins and the curses and the consequences of the disobedience of Adam and Eve upon Him so that I can have His understanding, His love, His compassion, His patience, etc.

And if I touch the hem of His garment, and He will call me Daughter, and my faith will make me well.

[The woman who had the "issue" or "discharge" of blood for 12 years appeared while Jesus was on His way to heal Jairus' daughter, who was dying. After the woman was healed, Jesus raised Jairus' daughter, who had died but was described by Jesus as "not dead but sleeping". (Luke 8:52) God is capable all the time! It doesn't even matter when He shows up!]

Jesus is standing there

This evening, I stopped to pray with TD Jakes at the end of his TV program, which was a simple prayer asking Jesus to come into my heart, wash away my sins, and I am sorry and repent. I have already said many versions of this Sinner's Prayer, but I say it again and again to remind me of my decision for Jesus. With my eyes closed, I suddenly saw the figure of a man with a broad chest, in white robes with a trim of gold (but not shiny, like a spicy mustard like Grey Poupon). His arms were by His sides, and His hands were cupped as if to take a hand on either side of His body. There was light all around Him, seemingly coming from above but not casting a shadow anywhere on Him. I did not think to put my hand in His. Instead, I looked up to see His face. I saw a beard, a long nose, and then it kind of faded from there.

It wasn't my imagination, or me trying to imagine because there was no mental effort on my part to see what I was seeing while my eyes were closed. I think it started to fade because I started to focus on something that was unimportant (such as, the physical appearance of Jesus) instead of focusing on the saving grace of His hands. I could have given Him one hand, or I could have given Him two. First I was awed and taken in by what I saw, then started focusing on something that took my eyes and thoughts off what was actually important.

Jesus is standing there, His hands cupped, and He waits, whether I need to take one hand or two.

Thoughts about baptism

Thank You God for these thoughts! Jesus said in John 3:5, "Verily, verily I say unto thee, unless a man be born of water and of the Spirit, he cannot enter into the Kingdom of God." After Jesus was resurrected, He appeared to His disciples and told Peace to be with them. "And with that he breathed on them and said, 'Receive the Holy Spirit.'" John 20:22. We can see that exactly this time, the disciples became born of the Spirit.

But when were they born of water? Was it when they were formed in their mother's womb, sustained in the "water" that breaks when she goes into labor? That would mean that the qualifying factor is to be physically born, which would make perfect sense. How could someone who was never born enter the Kingdom of God? Isn't that person already there? I can't imagine the unborn being separated from God, unless they run with the devil. But some people could argue that certain people who do heinous acts of crime are born of the devil. But in John 8:44, Jesus says to some early Jews who had believed Him, the common man, "You belong to your father, the devil, and you want to carry out your father's desire. He was a murderer from the beginning, not holding to the truth, for there is no truth in him. When he lies, he speaks his native language, for he is a liar and the father of lies." The 10 Commandments show the 10 basic ways that the devil allows us to sin against God. If we do the things that the devil would want us to do, we are like his children because we obey him. If we do what God wants us to do, then we are like His children because we obey Him. There are only 2 sides on which to be. One could try to argue, Well, what if I just do nothing? All the time? Since you were a little kid? Did you ever disobey your parents or do something that could embarrass your family? If so, you've broken the 4th Commandment, which is simply Honor Thy Father and Thy Mother. You dishonor your family by bringing shame or embarrassment on them by virtue of your brilliant idea or pure stupidity. If not, then you haven't broken that Commandement, which is GREAT. Highly doubtful, but GREAT. But because God looks at our soul and our spirit, He also keeps us accountable for our thoughts. "OUR THOUGHTS?!?" you exclaim. "How can I be sinning if I'm not even physically doing anything?"

In Matthew 5:27-28, Jesus said "27You have heard that it was said, 'Do not commit adultery.'[Exodus 20:14] 28But I tell you that anyone who looks at a woman lustfully has already committed adultery with her in his heart." How can a man look lustfully at a woman? Is it his eyes that are bulging? No, the act of mental adultery is committed when he hears himself saying what he would like to do... to... her! Or when he starts to imagine what he would like to do... to... her! The act of sin takes place first in the mind, and then can manifest themselves physically. I mean, how many lies have first been perfected in my mind, where I heard the dialogue of the lie, and also visualized how it made sense? I'm not going to start counting because I have already been forgiven.

All that being said, I didn't even get to the baptism part. There are no accounts of the disciples of Jesus being baptized the way that John baptized Jesus. The idea that came to me is that He baptized His disciples when He washed their feet as told in John 13. In verse 8, when Simon Peter was refusing to let Jesus was his feet, "Jesus answered, 'Unless I wash you, you have no part with me.'" Jesus only used water, and only on their feet. He said in verse 10 it was because "A person who has had a bath needs only to wash his feet; his whole body is clean." People in those days wore shoes that were like sandals, and most roads were paved with the dirt of the earth, and most journeys were done on foot. Plus, there were no rules to "Curb Your Donkeys", if you were able to have one.

Finally, in verses 14-17, Jesus explains the meaning behind what He had done. "Now that I, your Lord and Teacher, have washed your feet, you also should wash one another's feet. 15I have set you an example that you should do as I have done for you. 16I tell you the truth, no servant is greater than his master, nor is a messenger greater than the one who sent him. 17Now that you know these things, you will be blessed if you do them." Jesus wants His followers to serve one another, and the way Jesus did it is He became like a sevant to His disciples by washing their feet and drying them using the towel that He tied around His waist after taking off His outer garments. You understand? He became like a servant and served His disciples. He did it because He loved them, and you can't love someone without serving them or giving yourself to them. Think about it: a mother is like a servant to her baby when she feeds, changes, bathes, and clothes the baby. She doesn't put the child down and say, "Let's get one thing straight -- I'm the one in charge. I sustained you for 9 months cuz the doctors said I had to, and now it's time for you to feed me what I like!" We serve people when we do or care for others, especially in a way that can fulfill a need or serve as an improvement. For Jesus said that which we do for the least [fortunate] of people, we do for Him.

I am believing the Word of God

God is not moved by my need, but He is moved by my faith.

No matter how I feel or how it looks or what they say, no matter how long it has been or how long it might take, I will increase my faith in the One who will always love me, the One who always has His eye on me, and the One who wants to perfect Himself in me.

Anything against that can kick rocks. Rocks, I said!

Conquering Your Thought Life, Part 2

Conquering Your Thought Life by Gregory Dickow
(notes taken from DVD)
Why are so many Christians walking around defeated?

The devil has the ability to perpetrate lies. The devil does not have power, but it is the lies that can gain power over us.

If the devil can get us to believe a lie, he can gain control over our thoughts.

2 Corinthians 10:3-5: 3For though we live in this world, we do not wage war as the world does.
4The weapons we fight with are not the weapons of the world. On the contrary, they have divine power to demolish strongholds.
5We demolish arguments and every pretension that sets itself up against the knowledge of God, as we take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ.

Base the image of myself on God's image of me (my spirit, The Holy Spirit, who abides in me)

I am a conqueror ===> start conquering
The devil is under my feet. The only way he gets from there is through the thoughts in my head.

Ephesians 6:11-18 11Put on the full armor of God so that you can take your stand against the devil's schemes.

scheme, from Latin metho [etymology: method] and odas (road)

Thoughts are the roadway by which the enemy can enter and gain control over me.

12For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms.
13Therefore put on the full armor of God, so that when the day of evil comes, you may be able to stand your ground, and after you have done everything, to stand.
14Stand firm then, with the belt of truth buckled around your waist, with the breastplate of righteousness in place,
15and with your feet fitted with the readiness that comes from the gospel of peace.
16In addition to all this, take up the shield of faith, with which you can extinguish all the flaming arrows of the evil one.
17Take the helmet of salvation and the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God.
18And pray in the Spirit on all occasions with all kinds of prayers and requests.

devil, from Latin dia [etymology: day] (put a hole in, circle) and balos [etymology: ball] (to throw at)

The devil throws accusations at me until he penetrates (makes a hole in my belief in God's Word).

In terms of active spiritual warfare, the first weapons I must know to use are the Shield of Faith and the Sword of the Spirit (Word of God). I must pick them up and use them or else I have nothing which to fight the enemy.

What are the words/thoughts (balls) that the devil is throwing at me? He will keep throwing accusations until we believe or resist. I must resist and take those thoughts captive. I must eliminate the devil's access into my thoughts.

Understanding the process of establishing belief: Words produce an image in the mind. Saying the word "dog" produces the mental image of a dog (as opposed to the image of the word "dog"). The image of the dog is based on my experiences with dogs (i.e., a dog that bit me as a child), and I can build a belief system based on the images associated with dogs. By stopping the lies that devil perpetrates at the door, I can prevent the strongholds those thoughts can create. Instead, I need to give my thought life to God by focusing on His Word, developing the images associates with Him, and allowing strongholds to develop based on the promises of God.

We make decisions based on the strongholds in our lives.

When we take every thought captive, we compare it to the truth, which is stated in the Word of God. Set up a "reception desk" to question or identify each thought (or feeling!) and check the Word against it.

Depression comes in. Nehemiah 8:10: 10Do not grieve, for the joy of the LORD is your strength. Depression must leave. Security!

Eliminate images of lies to negate the stronghold of the lies.

I have the option of looking at myself with either of 2 sets of eyes:
physical: I see myself as compared to others (per the devil)
spiritual: I see myself as God sees me

Who will I believe?

I've got what it takes!

I’VE GOT WHAT IT TAKES TO LIVE IN VICTORY – Joyce Meyer
(notes taken by my sister Laura and me)
Scripture – I must get a stronger understanding of what I have through Christ Jesus!

I've got whatever it takes to do whatever I need to do. There is no devil in hell, there's nothing in life that can defeat me because The Greater One LIVES IN ME!

I don't have to put up with a bunch of nonsense from the devil because I have power over him!

1st law of the kingdom in order to walk in victory:Mark 11:23-24: 23Truly I tell you, whoever says to this mountain, Be lifted up and thrown into the sea! and does not doubt at all in his heart but believes that what he says will take place, it will be done for him.
    24For this reason I am telling you, whatever you ask for in prayer, believe (trust and be confident) that it is granted to you, and you will [get it].

When I pray, God released what I asked for in the spiritual realm; in other words, I can reach into the spiritual realm and get it. If I can believe that I have what I have asked for in God's Word, it is on its way to me, and there is no devil in hell that can stop me from getting it!

a. I must learn how to walk in faith and talk in faith. We say that we trust God, but then we worry, we're afraid of this and that, etc.

2. God says that you must believe it first, then it will be seen.
3. The most important thing is to accept Jesus as Lord and Savior; then have a deep, intimate relationship with God; then Walk in Victory.

God has provided for every person to Walk in Victory! Someone asks, "How are you today?" You might say, "Well, I'll tell you, I'm under attack..." God would say, "Well, if you stayed on the attack, you wouldn't be under it all the time."

Abraham did not waiver in his faith in the promise of God, though he waited 20 years. He praised to God and he knew that he had it when he prayed for it.

1 John 3:9: 9No one born (begotten) of God [deliberately, knowingly, and habitually] practices sin, for God's nature abides in him [His principle of life, the divine sperm, remains permanently within him]; and he cannot practice sinning because he is born (begotten) of God.

I must believe that I cannot intentionally practice sin, and that I am a new creature in Christ! I must see myself as God sees me, which is the condition of my spirit (I am righteousness and I am wholly).

a. If I am sitting in a chair, I don’t need to try to sit in the same chair I am already sitting in!
b. I must learn to walk in authority and stop spending my life trying to get the authority I already have.

God sees me as forgiven, and remembers my sins NO MORE, as far as the east is from the west. It is the enemy who condemns me, not God!

Note: God is:
Over me;
Under me;
Through me;
Around me; and
For me!
The enemy is only against me.
God’s divine sperm (the seed of all mighty God) lives in me because I am born of God. I am pregnant with everything that God has. There is NO ROOM for the devil in me, and he has no authority to be there!

God is on my side all the time!
God loves me!!

I’m anointed by the Holy Spirit and He will never leave me. 1 John 2 (the anointing will teach me)

1 Corinthians 1:30: 30But it is from Him that you have your life in Christ Jesus, Whom God made our Wisdom from God, [revealed to us a knowledge of the divine plan of salvation previously hidden, manifesting itself as] our Righteousness [thus making us upright and putting us in right standing with God], and our Consecration [making us pure and holy], and our Redemption [providing our ransom from eternal penalty for sin].

1. I can make the right decision!
2. God will show me.

Note: The Process of Getting God’s Word into My Soul – Meditation:
Get my mind renewed;
Get my emotions under control;
Turn my will over to God; and
Get my body in shape.
There is a seed in me of everything God has and wants me to have! (Don’t quench the butterfly in my inner woman.)

God put His Heart and Spirit in me… I have his nature! I have the goodness and greatness of God in me! Remember that THE DEVIL IS A LIAR!!! He is the father of lies.

Keep the weeds off the seeds! Don’t eat the seeds! Remember that when you plant a seed, it takes time for the seeds to produce a harvest. The world will say, "I don't see a harvest." You say, "The seed is in there. Someday I will see a harvest come out of that ground!" The seed has everything it needs to produce the plant. It only needs to be cultivated in good soil, fed with the Living Water, and The Light of the World.

I am a new creature in God! The world says, "Well, you sure don't act like one!" You say, "It doesn't matter! I am one, and you're gonna see it sooner or later!"

I have the spirit of discipline and self-control, so says 2 Timothy 1:7

2 Timothy 1:7 7For God did not give us a spirit of timidity (of cowardice, of craven and cringing and fawning fear), but [He has given us a spirit] of power and of love and of calm and well-balanced mind and discipline and self-control.

1. Don’t let a cookie boss me around!
2. I have the energy of God inside of me. I can do whatever I need to do, through Christ who strengthens me (Philippians 4:13).
3. Jesus says that if we are lukewarm, he will spit us out. Get in, get out, or get run over because Jesus is coming!

Colossians 3:1-2 1IF THEN you have been raised with Christ [to a new life, thus sharing His resurrection from the dead], aim at and seek the [rich, eternal treasures] that are above, where Christ is, seated at the right hand of God.
    2And set your minds and keep them set on what is above (the higher things), not on the things that are on the earth.

1. Commit scripture to memory.
2. Meditate on my victory (The Bible says that the promises of God are for whosoever. I am a whosoever).

The world complains, murmurs, grumbles, etc. DON'T BE LIKE THE WORLD! (Romans 2:12)

Ephesians 1:3: 3May blessing (praise, laudation, and eulogy) be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ (the Messiah) who has blessed us in Christ with every spiritual (given by the Holy Spirit) blessing in the heavenly realm!

I am blessed and highly favored.

Romans 6:2: 2 ... How can we who died to sin live in it any longer?

Romans 6:11: 11Even so consider yourselves also dead to sin and your relation to it broken, but alive to God [living in unbroken fellowship with Him] in Christ Jesus.

1. Turn away from sin and fellowship with God.

2 Corinthians 6:14-16: 14Do not be [unequally] yoked together with unbelievers. For what do righteousness and wickedness [lawlessness] have in common? Or what fellowship can light have with darkness?
15What harmony is there between Christ and Belial? What does a believer have in common with nonbelief?
16What agreement is there between the temple of God and idols? For we are the temple of the living God. As God has said: "I will live with them and walk among them, and I will be their God, and they will be my people."

2. Don’t meditate on my mess, but meditate on God’s Word. Concentrate on righteousness.
3. Don’t keep thinking on all the things I did wrong or how God must be disappointed with me.
4. Meditate on how much God loves me and has blessed me with the fruit of the Spirit. The longer I think on these things, the more the seed of the Spirit grows inside of me and bears fruit.

What would happen if we did what the Bible says and not live in condemnation? Thank the devil for reminding me of how good God is because He forgave me for the things for which he wants condem me. When you fellowship with God, you're not fellowshipping with the devil. I AM DEAD TO SIN. My relationship is with God, not sin. What we put our mind to becomes manifest.

I AM BLESSED RIGHT NOW!

What I have in Christ by the Holy Spirit:
Galatians 5:22-23: 22But the fruit of the [Holy] Spirit [the work which His presence within accomplishes] is love, joy (gladness), peace, patience (an even temper, forbearance), kindness, goodness (benevolence), faithfulness,
    23Gentleness (meekness, humility), self-control (self-restraint, continence). Against such things there is no law [that can bring a charge].

1. Pray boldly and aggressively!
2. Defeat the weak areas of my life.
Luke 10:19: 19Behold! I have [already] given you authority and power to trample upon serpents and scorpions, and [physical and mental strength and ability] over all the power that the enemy [possesses]; and nothing shall in any way harm you.

We need to learn how to talk back to the devil, as Jesus did in Luke 4. We cannot defeat Goliath with our mouths shut!

Acts 1:8: 8But you shall receive power (ability, efficiency, and might) when the Holy Spirit has come upon you, and you shall be My witnesses in Jerusalem and all Judea and Samaria and to the ends (the very bounds) of the earth.

1 John 4:4: 4Little children, you are of God [you belong to Him] and have [already] defeated and overcome them [the agents of the antichrist], because He Who lives in you is greater (mightier) than he who is in the world.

Ephesians 1:18-19: 18By having the eyes of your heart flooded with light, so that you can know and understand the hope to which He has called you, and how rich is His glorious inheritance in the saints (His set-apart ones),
    19And [so that you can know and understand] what is the immeasurable and unlimited and surpassing greatness of His power in and for us who believe, as demonstrated in the working of His mighty strength...

1. I have to know and understand the power available to me as a believer. There is power available to me! I don't have to try to impress God because he already loves me and accepts me. I should do what is right because I love Him!
2. I might make a mistake, but I must not concentrate on that.
3. Keep my mind on the right stuff -- Philipians 4:8: 8Whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable -- if anything is excellent or praiseworthy -- think about such things.

*Don’t plan to be depressed on an anniversary of an unpleasant event.
Don’t set myself up for failure.
Philippians 4:13: 13I have strength for all things in Christ Who empowers me [I am ready for anything and equal to anything through Him Who infuses inner strength into me; I am self-sufficient in Christ's sufficiency].

Put away thoughts from the devil like, "But I feel... but it looks... but they said... " by telling the devil, "I already have authority over you, so shut your ugly mouth!" When he comes back to lie again, tell him, "Now you better get outta here or else I'm gonna read you Luke 10:19, and you're not gonna like it! AND I'm gonna read it aloud!"

Romans 8:37: 37Yet amid all these things we are more than conquerors and gain a surpassing victory through Him Who loved us.

1. I am the righteousness of God the day I accepted Christ as my savior. The moment I turned my life over to Jesus, I was made right with God. In my spiritual condition, I am holy. It is how God sees me. It is how He can live in me. (God created the loophole)
2. Let the roots of God’s Word break through the rocky soil of my soul. My spirit is the deepest part of me, and it needs to grow through the soul to be evidenced in the physical. Meditate on the Word day and night, write down scriptures in long hand, recite scripture aloud, write a list of everything that I have that God says I have, wake up every morning and say I KNOW THAT GOD LOVES ME.

James 1:2-4: 2Consider it wholly joyful, my brethren, whenever you are enveloped in or encounter trials of any sort or fall into various temptations.
    3Be assured and understand that the trial and proving of your faith bring out endurance and steadfastness and patience.

I am going to work with the Holy Spirit so that I can see the fruits of the Spirit in me (Galatians 5:22-23). I don't have to try to get it because I've got it! I don't have to pray for strength because I have the strength of the Lord inside of me, nor do I need to pray for patience, love, joy, peace, faithfullness, or self-control. Pray that the Holy Spirit work in me to be more patient, more loving, etc.

    4But let endurance and steadfastness and patience have full play and do a thorough work, so that you may be [people] perfectly and fully developed [with no defects], lacking in nothing.

LET IT BE SO.

A funny thing happened on the way to work

I ran out of gas. It was snowing and had been for a minute (maybe all morning) and the snow plow people were slow to service the area. My car was doing the "sluggish petit mal seizure" thing, and there is a gas station on the way to work. As I am coming to a stop at the light in the right-most lane, my car shuts off. Thank God I only ran out of gas! There could be any number of things wrong with a 1992 anything, but I only had to walk across the street to gat 2 gallons of gas, and then skip back over to my car, spend 90 seconds to prepare the container and believe it wouldn't leak all over (cuz the fit wasn't tight like I was missing a piece), and then another 60 seconds to put in 2 gallons of gas. It was funny because I have been in this situation so many times with my current car because the gas gauge doesn't work. And, more recently, the trip odometer reset to 000000 for the last time and hasn't moved since. And, even more recently, with using the heat and not being as diligent (at all) about using additives every time I filled up (or got paid). But God is good because He always made sure that I ran out of gas or had car trouble in a safe place and was always able to park safely and legally; or, the time that was not the case, I was able to call on people to help me and even advocate for me. Even now, He made me pull all the way over to the right, just outside of the boundaries of the bus stop, in a comfotable vicinity to a gas station, and with the sense to know that I was only out of gas. And I was still able to handle my work business via phone coordination. And all done calmly and, at times, with humor. After the fiaso was done, I still had to drive to get a van to take to the group home that I manage. This van is great except it is on 1/4 tank of gas and I can't find the gas card, which is supposed to be in glove box. So I get to my house and I end up running the appointment. I get directions from a reliable resource, but she gave me one wrong turn but I still found it and an easier way back. By the time I returned the van, the low fuel light came on for 1 second. I will remember to let the manager know about all that, as well as the van harrassing me with the "Service Engine Soon" light. But I could have easily have had a bad day, but I focused on completing the task at hand, and that was more important than focusing on personalized, residual feelings that serve no purpose in the positive advancement of my day.

I can see clearly now, a little

I have been informally participating in a Fast From Wrong Thinking, which comes with a 40-day devotional with a specific thought to "fast" from, and why it is not correct thinking as per the Bible.

Now, these are my thoughts on religion:

I am not "religious". I do believe in God, and I would be categorized as a Christian, or a believer in and follower of Jesus as the Christ. "Religion" is, as I see it, problematic because the emphasis is on rules and laws, what you do and how you do it. "Religion" teaches that are supposed to be "perfect", or at least act perfectly, in order to be looked upon favorably by God. "Religion" seems to believe that we have to do things in order to elevate ourselves to God, or in order to talk to Him or be heard by Him. "Religion" often misses the point. I believe that Christianity is about having a relationship with God, about knowing who He is and who I am in Him, and about believing in His Promises and His Word. He will do the work that He can do on His level against the Enemy (muahaha), as long as we do the work that we are to do. My new belief in His Word has already calmed my mind and allowed me to focus on being greater than I am now. I can be myself and be a Christian and flourish. I believe that true religion is believed in the heart and practiced whenever we have the chance to interact or make a difference in someone's life.

I made it!

This morning, before leaving my apartment, I was struggling with feeling guilty and nervous about a meeting with my supervisor. I have been at my new job 6 months, but she extended my probation for another 8 weeks amd requires weekly meetings with her in order to learn and do everything I need to learn and do in order to keep my job. I brought everything that she asked for, and it was a good meeting. My supervisor is aware of my struggles to a degree, and she is being very supportive and helpful with me. Once I get off probation, I will receive a small raise that was given across the board in October. So either I don't make it and lose everything (my job, benefits, apartment, etc), or I'll make it and get a little extra in return. When I put it like that, the choice seems obvious. If only I put in effort and try and do and make mistakes and learn, than to be scared stiff from fear of failure, or success. I think I have a strange fear of success. I think it is strange because the desire to succeed should be naturally universal to everyone. Ok, so to use the model below, the emotional response is fear (of success). The belief behind could be, I do not deserve to be successful. This is not a true statement. Why wouldn't I deserve to be successful? Why am I condemning myself? I have to find a true statement to reject this false one. I deserve to be successful is an obvious choice. It is going to require more thought to figure out why I would think that I would not deserve success. Maybe it goes back to thinking that there is something wrong with me. Again, this is not a true statement. This process of confronting my beliefs and their origins is like having another job. But the pay is immeasurable and absolutely vital to my wellbeing. I don't know many other jobs that offer that as a perk.

Today was a good day

I mean, I was able to focus and recognize the things I would do in order to not do my job. I would do the other things in order to distract myself from becoming successfull. I completed many things, but I had to keep directing myself to complete tasks in order to move on to completing the next task.

My mind is a lot calmer today. The negative thoughts or ideas are a lot quieter. Ok, let's not get it twisted. I have NOT, nor have I EVER, heard "voices". It's a feeling that I interpret as "I am defeated" or "I am rejected" or whatever. The only voice I hear is me telling those feelings to go back to hell.

Now that that is clarified, my sister called me today and we both had a good day. I am excited about talking to her every night. Now that my head is stablizing, it is nice to have nice things to talk about. I don't know why I wasn't reaching out to her before. Actually, I do know. I was isolating myself, which made it easier for me to feel alone. Why would I do that? It doesn't make any sense. I don't want to believe that moving to Baltimore was part of my isolation modus operandi. I kind of see my mom's house and my hometown as a biblical Egypt, where I lived in "bondage" and was sure to stay right there if I didn't leave. That would make Baltimore my wilderness, where I have to rely on God to provide for me until I get to the Promised Land. It is apparent to me that I can't do this alone, this being living, and living happily. It is becoming apparent to me that I am not alone.

Booyakhan!

You should have seen me ... yesterday

The day before, the day of the inauguration, which was Oh Happy Day in most of the rest of the world, was a very troubling day for me. Emotionally, I was completely unstable. I started watching this DVD named "Conquering Your Thought Life". It is a lot like the model below, only you cast off the negative thoughts (which come from the devil, the enemy, or The Evil One, if you will, muhahahaha) with the truths of God (He will never leave me or forsake me, He loves me as much as He loves Jesus). It was like a wrestling match was going on in my head. It reminded me of Genesis 32, where Jacob wrestled with a man one night until daybreak (I'm thinking, maybe up to 6 hours?). These thoughts of sadness and loneliness, sometimes I had them by the throat, and sometimes they had me by the throat. I would feel sadness and say, "I have the joy of the Lord, and that is my strength! Sadness is not welcome here!" I was pacing and crying and affirming and rebuking and trying to believe what I was saying. If I have the joy of the Lord, where was it? My stomach was cramping, my eyes were puffy, my back was hurting from tossing and turning funny all night before. But I went to bed after talking to my sister, and then I woke up feeling a little better. I walked to my car semi-defeated, and I drove to work, crying and rebuking the whole way. I straighten up enough to get ready for a meeting, then it is more crying and rebuking on the way to the meeting. But then I got distracted by trying to remember the way to place I was driving to (I dunno, somewhere out the in the industrial boonies of Baltimore), ended up having a good meeting (even though there was an annoying thought of shouldn't you be worried, or scared, or something?).

Then, something happened that I didn't even realize until I was on my way home from work: I wasn't having those fits of sadness or worry or whatever. I did find a Christian radio station to keep my mind centered on God, and on the way back from the meeting, I'm harmonizing with some old time hymn; then, with another song, I changed the lyrics to confess my love for my cat. Now, tonight, I think I will be able to have a peaceful sleep, and I know for sure that I am going to keep those negative thoughts in a head lock. The Evil One (muhahaha) doesn't give up that easy, so he'll be back with some other garbage that I will have to combat. But the great thing is that now I know for a fact that this works! The truth does set you free! And me hearing myself vocalize these truths helped it to stick in my head.

Now, I can already laugh at myself yesterday. Picture me starting to whimper, then suddenly yelling "NO! I am MORE than a conqueror, I am NOT defeated! You have lied to me for way too long!"

Ack! I need to get to bed before I O-D on coffee in the morning. We'll see how long these skies stay clear.

Conquering my thought life

Every emotional response is based on the belief of a particular thought. Say, if someone doesn't like me for whatever reason, an emotional response is to feel rejected. This can be translated to, When someone doesn't like me, it is my job to feel rejected. Or, more specifically, When someone doesn't like me, it is because there is something wrong with me. The last statement reflects where some of the pain could come from. After identifying the belief behind the emotional response, I have to identify that the phrase "it is because there is something wrong with me" is NOT a true statement. How can I make this a true statement? To make the transition easier, I will change it to something that does not reflect on me, something does not give a negative emotional response. When someone doesn't like me, that is their business. If something isn't my business, I'm not going to care about it. And it is still a true statement. What people believe about me is actually none of my business, and it is not a reflection of me but only a perception. This practice seems to require a lot less effort than simply trying not to feel rejected. I know and understand this, but I have to remind myself of this practice because some of my beliefs about myself are currently under a stronghold that will require time, effort, and patience to break. It is consciously breaking the unconscious. I'm up for it.

I Have A Dream / "How long will you mourn?"

I woke up this morning with a tear in my eye and an ache in my heart. Both are residual, both have subsided. I have a dream that the ache will forever be replaced by love.

There is a story in the Bible in the book of Samuel, where the Lord rejects Saul as the Israel's first king because he did not obey God. As long as he lived, he did not see Saul after that point, and the Bible says that Samuel mourned for him. I think it was because Saul had lost God's favor by not doing as he was told because he panicked and got scared. So the Lord asked Samuel a question: How long will you mourn for Saul? The Lord was about to appoint a new king -- shouldn't the prophet Samuel be excited for the future of Israel, whom will no doubt be ruled by a great king if he is to be chosen by God, right? But Saul was chosen by Samuel. God did not tell whom he should choose as king, but only to give the people of Israel a king because the people demanded one. Samuel chose Saul because he was an impressive young hunter and taller than most Israelites; unfortunately, he didn't measure up in character and heart. Saul bent the rules under pressure, and he did not obey God no matter what. He lost faith quickly said Fuck Everything And Run, one breakdown of fear.

So Samuel mourned and mourned. He had to snap out of that thinking and move on to what was in store. It is my dream that I always remember that the best is yet to come, that as long as I live there is a life worth living to the fullest, and to be thankful that the past is always over and done with, no matter how long or how many times I relive it in my head. It can never come back. The ink has dried on the paper, the carving is set in stone, it's a done deal. That is how I am set free.

It is my dream to remember the TRUTH when lies want to convince me of otherwise. The truth is always true, no matter what. I am who I am, no matter if somebody believes something different, or did in the past. Either I am to walk in truth, or I am to believe whatever I am told about me. I am going to write a list of truths about me, undeniable truths that cannot be argued, disputed, or even questioned. Such as, I am capable of giving and receiving love, to and from myself.

It is my dream that I can see this in myself as the beauty within.

Despite

To love someone or something despite a flaw or an defect is to truly love; to view said flaw/defect as a smokescreen through which one gets a glimpse of the true beauty is remarkable, especially when the beholder is looking at a wretch like me. I don't see myself as beautiful everytime I look in the mirror. I can optimize my appearance and find or arrange the beauty, but I can't see that it is always inherently there. I surely didn't think I was pretty as a child. I remember being in elementary school, and I think somoene complemented me or at least said something positive about the way that I looked. I shot a look to a classmate that would have heard that statement and said, "Shut up", expecting her to say something mean to dispute it. She simply said that she wasn't going to say anything. My problem was that I was a chubby child (read: the fat kid), I got glasses by the 4th grade (read: 4-eyes), I was the light-skinned black girl (read: the white girl), I did very well in school (read: teacher's pet/class nerd), and I was introvered, shy, and sensitive in school situations (read: she probably doesn't do anything but homework/cry baby). So, you see, I had a lot going for me.

As I'm sitting here, proofreading my writing, I realized that I am carrying around the pains of my childhood because there seems to be evidence of something simiilar in my adult life. I want to believe that this time will be different, but I remember thinking that before; and while it was different, it was still the same old thing. But since my last ex, I have been staying single to reclaim my identity and know what I need in a relationship. My previous relationships showed me what I didn't want, and I could only imagine what would be nice. A man is like a box of chocolates -- you never know what you're gonna get.