Despite

To love someone or something despite a flaw or an defect is to truly love; to view said flaw/defect as a smokescreen through which one gets a glimpse of the true beauty is remarkable, especially when the beholder is looking at a wretch like me. I don't see myself as beautiful everytime I look in the mirror. I can optimize my appearance and find or arrange the beauty, but I can't see that it is always inherently there. I surely didn't think I was pretty as a child. I remember being in elementary school, and I think somoene complemented me or at least said something positive about the way that I looked. I shot a look to a classmate that would have heard that statement and said, "Shut up", expecting her to say something mean to dispute it. She simply said that she wasn't going to say anything. My problem was that I was a chubby child (read: the fat kid), I got glasses by the 4th grade (read: 4-eyes), I was the light-skinned black girl (read: the white girl), I did very well in school (read: teacher's pet/class nerd), and I was introvered, shy, and sensitive in school situations (read: she probably doesn't do anything but homework/cry baby). So, you see, I had a lot going for me.

As I'm sitting here, proofreading my writing, I realized that I am carrying around the pains of my childhood because there seems to be evidence of something simiilar in my adult life. I want to believe that this time will be different, but I remember thinking that before; and while it was different, it was still the same old thing. But since my last ex, I have been staying single to reclaim my identity and know what I need in a relationship. My previous relationships showed me what I didn't want, and I could only imagine what would be nice. A man is like a box of chocolates -- you never know what you're gonna get.