I made it!

This morning, before leaving my apartment, I was struggling with feeling guilty and nervous about a meeting with my supervisor. I have been at my new job 6 months, but she extended my probation for another 8 weeks amd requires weekly meetings with her in order to learn and do everything I need to learn and do in order to keep my job. I brought everything that she asked for, and it was a good meeting. My supervisor is aware of my struggles to a degree, and she is being very supportive and helpful with me. Once I get off probation, I will receive a small raise that was given across the board in October. So either I don't make it and lose everything (my job, benefits, apartment, etc), or I'll make it and get a little extra in return. When I put it like that, the choice seems obvious. If only I put in effort and try and do and make mistakes and learn, than to be scared stiff from fear of failure, or success. I think I have a strange fear of success. I think it is strange because the desire to succeed should be naturally universal to everyone. Ok, so to use the model below, the emotional response is fear (of success). The belief behind could be, I do not deserve to be successful. This is not a true statement. Why wouldn't I deserve to be successful? Why am I condemning myself? I have to find a true statement to reject this false one. I deserve to be successful is an obvious choice. It is going to require more thought to figure out why I would think that I would not deserve success. Maybe it goes back to thinking that there is something wrong with me. Again, this is not a true statement. This process of confronting my beliefs and their origins is like having another job. But the pay is immeasurable and absolutely vital to my wellbeing. I don't know many other jobs that offer that as a perk.